….*sigh*

That is the problem after being in love with someone and then wanting to be friends. All of that love and affection that was abundant is forced to be encapsulated and reduced. Though it may not be much, it is hard to contain such vast and glorious emotions within a cell and never allowing them to escape. It’s as if you open a dam up and left the water flow free only to want to hold it back again to have only enough to fit it through the size of a pinhole. It is hard to look at that person and not think of those intimate moments that were shared. The idea of restraining the true feelings that you have towards someone seems absurd and incomprehensible, which then asks why do we do it?

It is impossible to quantify what we get by hanging on to a dead relationship and a good friendship. The obvious thing is to want a good friendship rather than nothing, but in the end is it worth the struggle?  Why do we think that after break up being friends is a good idea? Do commonalities really justify the essence of hanging onto them? They do to a point but then turn irrelevant as the memories and emotions resurface. The facts of what happened stay with you while the emotions differ from time to time. The fact that the night was spent outside reminiscing with each other about the future, or about the past you had together outdoes the feeling of anger you felt toward each other when the perfect date turned to a disaster because one of you was late.  The fact that one of you tried to do the right thing, or to establish an intimate connection outdoes the sad emotion when you were unable to meet up with each other because something came up.  The time you spent the night together and talked about childhood memories and held hands outdoes the time you stormed out from the conversation and refused to speak.

“Let’s be friends,” is a routine said and established to feel self-dignified and have less of a heartache than if it was just a clean break up and never seeing them again. It does not mean you want to be friends, but rather that you do not want the burden of sorrow and guilt that comes with the break up.

If you chose to cut them off or feel as if you were wronged you are to deal with the fact that you let someone who you had the greatest times with and let into your life leave. There could be the repercussion of later wanting them back, but you dismissed them. All of the influence that you had in certain aspects in their life will be obsolete, letting them be in control of their lives once again, but whether what happens to their life after you is good or bad is due to your lack of being there. After the split they may turn out successful and self defined individuals, which would be your fault. Also, they could have gone down the wrong path and done irreparable mistakes in their life, which you would have the fault of also.

With still being friends there is the possibility of maybe down the line getting back together. Not only that but still have an influence in the life of someone who you love or used to love. Even though you will not have the same affect in their personal life anymore, it feels necessary for us to have the need to be wanted. To know that your opinion matters to an extent that is not open to everyone. There is still a possibility of something emerging within to overcome the fear of loving once again. To feel that stimulation course through the entirety of your body as the realization of what was there all long hits you making sure you know what is there. The feeling you both have of escape from the cruelty and narcissism of the word and just enjoy the fulfillment and establishment of each other and of life. Letting the dam break and drown out the improbability of feeling just like you both did that one night again. If you are truly in love, then this small spec of hope that is atomically small is enough to try.

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