I was on the bus on the way home today, chatting through email with someone regarding a life altercation. That story I will save for another blog…..it was something……back to the current dilemma. I was listening to my Zune, and writing down lyrics to a song, since usually when this happens I have to express my current sentiments, when a small child came up to my seat. He sat beside me without hesitation and asked me what I was listening to. He wore a little blue Mavericks Jersey and had dreads that made him look like a small Coolio. I told him Death Cab for Cutie and he asked if he could listen to it. I gave him a headphone and he began to listen bobbing his head looking as the people from various stops downtown boarded the bus. He then asked if he could change the song and I gave him control of the Zune, he maneuvered through it the entire time looking for “Lil Wayne.” After talking for a bit he got comfortable and asked me about myself, which is when I was introduced to whom I have become.
It was not until that point, I began to studder trying to define myself as a person to this small child, I was trying to prove to him how accomplished I was and how fulfilled I felt. I was pulling things from all aspects of my life trying to justify my current predicament in life. The idea of being complaisant to myself was one thing that I never thought of to any extent. Though I live my life without any regrets, I still feel as if I have not done enough to be fulfilled. To be fulfilled I need to be less regretful in a larger aspect of life. My regret free life is talking to people who I normally wouldn’t, go to things I have not gone to before, basically minuscule things. This nameless child came to my seat, befriended me, established a connection and did it all while not noticing the influence he had upon me.
We are born with the intuition that I believed was learned. That of living carefree and with the urge to live, not to succeed. This little guys main goal was to listen to my music to fulfill his desire to listen to music. I also find it weird that out of the full bus he found it compelling to sit with me. This could be a sign as to a revision of my priorities in life, or could it be mere coincidence? Whichever of the two it is, there needs to be a contemplative period.
After something that is currently happening I think that letting myself out like I had before, is not enough to fulfill the need to be happy (As I said I will explain this more in the blog to come) . On the contrary, I am finding it easier to shell myself up to an extent as I am not able to endure such harsh clashes anymore.
The ability to be ourselves is within us all and is not as hidden as we think it is. Being a unique individual in modern society is not what is required to be a future CEO. Falling in line and doing the best you can with lucky breaks gets you to that , not resting, or enjoying the creations of our planet, all to get to the top. These things are what is expected of us, and if not done seen as a failure. Unfortunately, there are people like me on this planet that justify this and talk about the means to the end. I see myself doing this degree and working in programming in order to fulfill my financial goals. The goal is not to drive a great car or live luxuriously, it is to live and to be able to go around the planet experimenting the different human experiences. To go to Glastonbury, Reading, T in the Park, Oxegen, Lolapalooza, Coachella, and Pitchfork. I want to have financial stability to blow all of my money on concerts. I just want to be able to one day have an urge to travel to Seattle to see a band and instinctively board a plane and catch that show. The trail and routine I am having to currently endure are only temporary, the reason I know this is because this is contrary to the mainstream. I have seen more people procrastinate school rather than life, I have done the opposite, and in the end it will be worth it.
That is why music is such a large part of my life. It is something that I have the freedom to chose and be part of. There is a culture behind each genre, a unity among its fans that is hard to break. At the same time it can bring people from different backgrounds to all share their common interest. Dayglow is the perfect example of this, people from all over from all different background and societal status come together to dance, listen to the music, and drink. You can do that at your own house of a lot cheaper, but the premise is to go out and put yourself in a culture and commonality that everyone there wants to be a part of.
I do want financial stability, but I am not saying I am going to go and do Hedge Fund investments or find ways to use Double Credit Default Swaps, but to live. To express myself through whichever medium I like. The want to be fulfilled is now greater, and I am not wanting to have to be complaisant to myself. I want to be self fulfilled, and I am going to stat that now. Through everything that I have and want to do, I see myself as unique, and even though it is not what is needed to be what society deems as a “success,” I still have the audacity to be unique.